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All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
Today, at 5:30pm, I fly back to my homestate of Kentucky for a 2 day visit. My mom and stepdad are picking me up at the airport and we're getting a late dinner together. Probably at the Australian Steakhouse near where they live. What can I say? They like Australian food.
Tomorrow, I get a haircut at a nearby barber shop. After that, I shop in my favorite comic book/ Used DVD shop (KY prices on Used DVDs are always $2 cheaper, at least. And artsy fartsy movies that I like are always de-valued. Their loss, my gain.) After that, I shop for new pants for the Saturday Stinger Halloween Show. (Must remember to buy red fabric for the show and plastic weapons, too.) Lunch is with the grandparents. My mom is taking a half day off of work on Friday, to visit with me and to take Christmas Card pictures of my cousins new baby. I am also seeing my cousins house for the first time. She's so excited about that, that she's already emailed me to make sure that's happening. She's a good kid.
Friday evening, I'm seeing my first Cirque Du Soleil show, ever. In Louisville, Kentucky. Because that city is renowned for its presence in the global arts scene. (I kid. I kid.) I am, of course, excited to get to see the show. I'm a big fan of their work. They're both breathtaking in their staging, amazing in their acrobatic talent and charming in their presentation. I can't wait to see what they do.
As a side bonus, my "date" for the evening is my best friend, Corey's wife, Carrie. They both moved back to KY, recently and I don't get to see or hear from them, very much. So, spending an evening with her is a treat. Additionally, Carrie is a very talented artist. She paints, sews, sculpts and works in other mediums. She'll really appreciate the aesthetics of what Cirque does. It pleases me to be able to invite her to go with me.
Saturday, I spend with my dad and stepmom. If my step-sister isn't pitching one of her infamous tizzy fits, I might get to see her sons. My step-nephews. I love those boys like a distant parent. I look forward to wrassling them to the ground and having pillows thrown at me.
Saturday, at 5pm, I fly back to Chicago.
On the same night, I have a HUGE Halloween show and the Belmont Burlesque Halloween show, part deux at midnight that night. After that, I plan to drink myself silly and pass out at home.
Sunday, is a day for rest. And for rehearsal. And for seeing the closing night of LEAP.
A very busy weekend.
That's the itinerary.
Here's the greater emotional significance of all of this.
Going home for a visit, always tears me up inside, a little bit. I am usually so happy, living in Chicago. I feel a visceral thrill when I see the city pop up again outside the plane's window. I love this city. It makes me a little sad to leave it, and nearly everyone that I know, behind.
It also hurts to see my Kentucky-bound family members sometimes. They love me very, very much. And this love is expressed by tentative, jokey requests that I might move back home soon. My mom has actually pointed out pretty, funny, smart AVAILABLE Kentucky Girls to me. Her hope is that I'll meet one and fall in love and come back home. It actually hurts me inside, just a little bit, to apologetically, jokingly refuse their requests. There is an unspoken sentiment that "Kentucky is just not good enough for me. I choose to live elsewhere." Which begs the unspoken response, "What's wrong with your family, that you won't arrange your life to live near or with them?" Another unspoken question is "We've all chosen to settle here and you hate it so much. What does that say about us?"
My problem is actually with Kentucky, as a whole.
The barely contained racism and sexism that bubbles up all too frequently.
The deeply ingrained homophobia.
The political ignorance that sends a poorer state to vote red, EVERY TIME, regardless of the candidate or the consequences.
The pride that this ignorance fuels.
The disinterest in art or culture or the rest of the world. The lack of participation in the rest of the country's affairs.
It's like someone, somewhere, once pblicly ridiculed the whole state and everyone in it just "gave up" and stubbornly refuses to modernize their attitudes or the aesthetic of their cities. The whole state just "gave up" and "dropped out". There are very few Intellectual or Philosophical Giants being raised in Kentucky.
And I hate the whole state for that. For embracing it's ugly ignorance and making it a point of pride. For settling for what's available now, instead of striving for what was great THEN or what could be great about TOMORROW. I can't forgive the entire state for it's concerted collective backslide.
And I'm also a little ashamed that for a long time, I never knew better. Or expected more that what I was given or shown. Getting out of the state into a larger city has really shaken off the naivete that such a sheltered existence breeds.
So, the thought of living in KY smacks of failure to me. A place to retreat to if things go bad here. It's not a place where I ever want to live. Even a visit for more than 4 days, makes me want to start shaking people and demanding that they look around more critically. How sad, then, that this tiny group of people that I actually love very, very much, are located precisely there.
I never miss Kentucky.
But I miss my family, quite often.
So, it is with a heavy heart that I return to my homestate, today. And live there for the next two days. I get less than 24 hours with each parent. Which is a little sad, too. What kind of son am I for living away from home for the last 12 years? (How did it become such a long period of time?) As much as they gave me, when I was growing up, it seems that I should give them more than I do. This is also something that we don't discuss.
Ah well. As focused as I am on the more morose aspects of the trip, there are definitely some things to look forward to. I miss my mom and dad. I miss my grandparents. I want to see my cousins new house and new baby. I want to wrestle my step-nephews. I will enjoy each of these activities with a light heart. Uninhibited by my distaste for my native state.
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go
Flying the friendly skies,
Mr.B
PS. My good friend, Bran, has written a very nice post in her blog that nicely rebuttals my view of the Bluegrass State. You can read it here. ((Linked with the author's permission.)
5 comments:
I don't disagree with a thing you said. However, if all of us that see the need for change continue to leave... then nothing will ever change.
Don't think that every day I don't imagine living elsewhere. I know we suck when it comes to the arts... hello I work in a bank for god sake... Lord knows I know that a lot of our state is backwards. And I don't want to start a turf war, as I’ve never seen your city.
But I grew up in the very same city you did, the very same state and I see your side, I feel your side. But at the same time... I love Kentucky. I love the beauty I see everyday when I drive to work. I love the wonderful country folk who have more money than god but still hug little ole me every time they see me, cause that's just how they are. I love changing leaves in the fall. The excitement of the Derby (dude we used to get out of school for friggin Oaks day). The hot summer days, the gravel road I lived on. And even if my dreams come true and I do manage to get a work permit to the UK. I will always love KY.
I adore you too, always will... but on this one I have to side with your folks... not that you should move home... but that it does hurt a little when Mr. Yankee pants looks down on us!! :P
Bran,
That's a very smart, reasonable response to what I wrote above.
Please allow me to apologize, if I offended you. You might not know it, but you're my only reader in KY. So, it was pretty careless of me to write that entry.
Also, when I say that I do "Miss my family", even if I don't miss the state, please know that I include you in that statement. I miss you, too.
Just not the place where you choose to live.
Again, my apologies for touching on a raw nerve. Perhaps this is why all of this stuff is never spoken aloud. Normally.
And thank you for posting your response.
Your friend,
Mr.B
Also, this brings to mind a hypothetical question and you're my best person to answer it.
What if...
I came to you and said, "There's this place that I know of. Which you've never been to. And in this place, everything that you like about KY is there, but SO MUCH MORE. In addition to the Southern gentility, there's a fast-paced lively lifestyle happening. There's always a place to go, people to see, drinks to drink. If you're a singer, you can sing there. If you're an actor, you can act there. If you're a stamp-sized painter, you can paint stamps there. And because it's a major American city, celebrities and movies and the rest of the world, come there, all the time. There are wonders on every street corner."
Imagine that. And then imagine that I said to you, "You can live there, if you want to. In this City of Wonders. All you have to do, is choose to go there...and leave behind family and friends and everything that is familiar to you, now. That's the small price that you have to pay, to live in this place."
Would you do it? Would you move there?
Would you give up those things and go find this place that I've described to you?
There's no wrong answer.
Just what you would and would not do. I'm just curious what you would do.
Cheers,
Mr.B
Bran,
Do you mind if I post a link to your wonderful Blog entry about the good parts about living in KY, in this blog entry?
Sort of as an informed rebuttal?
Whaddya think?
Can I?
Mr.B
You can post a link... sneaks of to remember what she wrote... yeah you can post a link. :)
If some one offered me such a city, I don't know what I'd do... to be honest. But in my heart of hearts I would want to go badly, I don't know if I would be brave enough though. With each passing year it gets harder... I'm trying to find a way go as we speak... not to Chi town, cause much too much cold and snow for me... but the logistics are hard and scary. And I've never lived anywhere but KY so it would be leaving behind all that know but I see where you are going with it.
But no matter where I go, I'll always be from here. I'll always get a little teary eyed when I hear "my old Kentucky home" (ignoring the obvious slavery references of course). I'll always get a smile when I hear Oldham county (gah remember in the winter praying to hear Oldham and hearing Owen and getting sooo bummed out?), cause that's part of who I am today.
I just don’t want all your Yankee friends to think by what they see on TV (that friggin couple from the Amazing Race…) or even by what you wrote that it’s all bad down here.
I don't blame you for leaving; hell I down right admire you for doing it. But home will always be here as well as there… if that makes sense.
And I miss you too… I’m sorry you’ll be here only long enough to sneeze… maybe some day I’ll venture up north (though only once warm weather comes back)
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